Looking forward to …

I LOVE having something to look forward to.  In fact, I often find that I enjoy the looking forward more than the actual event.  Strange, huh?  I think I get a little depressed when there aren’t fun things on the horizon.  The next six weeks or so are going to be pretty tough, school-wise.  However, I am comforted that interspersed throughout and beyond there are several things to be excited about.  So starting with today, I am looking forward to:

• A coffee shop concert tonight w/ Angie
• No work this week (lots of time for homework)
• Finishing up w/ my current ACT student next week.  (It hasn’t been a bad experience; I seriously can just use ANY extra time for school.)
• My DC road trip w/ Jayme.  We are both visiting high school friends.  Granted, high school was two years ago for her, so it’s not quite the reunion it will be for me and Tracy.
• Easter
• The sold out Death Cab show
• Sitting 2nd row at Neko Case
• My Hebrews Exegesis paper presentation.  This was supposed to come just before the Neko Case concert, but got pushed back one day.  So I’m sure I’ll be stressing the whole concert rather than enjoying the relief having finished something significant.  Regardless, I really am looking forward to writing and presenting my paper.  It’s over Hebrews 12:1-2, which is one of my very favorite passages.  I’m sure I would love it even more if I felt like I could give it the time it deserves.
• My paper presentation being over!
• The Franz Ferdinand show the week before finals … yeah, you can see where my priorities are!
• Finals being over! (Notice I am NOT looking forward to finals.)
• The Iron & Wine sold out show at Schubas
• A Stacey weekend including Ben Harper!  She’s been promising for awhile now, and signs are looking good for a Chicago visit.  Oooh … and Bahama Breeze!  They closed down the OKC restaurant before I got a chance to go, but supposedly there’s one up here.  I’ve been waiting on her to go since August!
• Having only one class this summer.  I am really looking forward to not having to pick which classes get my attention and which go back burner.  I’ll be in the last of my Hebrew pre-reqs, and let me tell you, it’s a good thing.  Unfortunately, as much it’s needed not to be so, Hebrew has suffered the back burner shame this semester, and honestly, it needs a little love.
• Having an actual summer.  From June 13th to August 25th, I am free, Free, FREE!  Granted, I will need to make as much money as possible in this time span so as to hopefully not work as much during the school year, but it will be a nice break from the tyranny of assigned reading, papers, and tests.
• The births of various children.  I am not an aunt, and my brother is 15, so I don’t anticipate becoming one anytime soon.  I do, however, have a few friends that are expecting babies #1, #2 and #3 ranging from any day now to mid-August.  I can’t wait to welcome Mystery Baby Kelley, Lily Grace Lucas, and Baby Boy Davidson into the world!
• A summer trip to Texas.  I haven’t been home since early January, so I am excited to visit family and friends and perhaps see a couple of those babies.
• U2 in September!  Yay for my friend Kristine getting in on the pre-sale.  Row G on the field … that has to be close, right?

Hmm … notice a theme, anyone?  You can’t blame me; I haven’t been to a concert since January, so I’m perhaps a little overexcited.  Not a lot of time for blogging these days, but this was a much needed break.  Hope all is well with all!

Past/Present/Future

I’m not sure I’ve ever had a day quite like yesterday.  Initially I would have called it just a really good day.  However, upon closer inspection I realized that yesterday was a sort of microcosm of my life … a collision of past, present, and future. 

Future:

Yesterday afternoon I visited an old college professor to discuss my future educational plans/goals.  I came armed with my list of questions, thankful for someone with whom I could be honest and transparent about my insecurities and fears.  Said professor gave me an hour of his time, and while I went in somewhat unsure and intimidated by the whole grad school process, I left much more confident and enthusiastic about what the next few years hold.  I am excited about possibly moving to a completely different part of the country, for all the newness around the corner.  I realize lately more and more the fullness of time in regard to this pursuit.  I have said it before, but my heart aches to be back in the classroom.  Much to my delight, I will have that opportunity this next week as I visit my cousin at Wheaton and sit in on fun classes like Principles of Interpretation, Hebrew Exegesis of Haggai/Malachi, and Greek Exegesis of Romans.  Making Chi-town plans with Jayme (including two concerts … yay) yesterday on the drive back from Shawnee only intensified my excitement about not only the next few days, but even more so the next few years. 

 

Past:

After my meeting with Dr. Kelly, I got the chance to be nostalgic.  On my way out of Owens I ran into two more old professors and got to chat for a few minutes.  I walked the halls of WMU, stopping to talk with some of the current RAs.  I visited my old room with its arch window overlooking the oval, and therefore fountain.  I walked through the basement and thought about the sometimes out of the way trips to visit Stacey and then Sydnie on the opposite end of the hall if I didn’t have time for a lengthy visit with Ray, the night security guard.  Walking out of WMU, I remembered the view from my room my freshman year of the sun setting behind Raley Chapel.  I walked through the GC and saw the infamous stairs that led to a broken ankle and six of the hardest weeks of my life.  I ate dinner with my old college roommate at a classic Shawnee joint, and even ran into the parents-in-law of an old friend whose wedding I was in nearly six years ago.  And while I have some good memories, I have some regrets as well.  I didn’t always make the most of college in terms of relationships or class work.  I am a different person now than I was then, which leads me to the present.

 

Present:

Because of dinner with Katie, I made it back to Edmond a little late for church, but in plenty of time for FLOCK prayer.  For awhile now, several people in our small group have felt a need/desire to pray together more often, more than just at meals or before/after a lesson.  We do a pretty good job of devoting ourselves to the apostle’s teaching, the breaking of bread, and to fellowship, but in prayer we could definitely do better.  (Acts 2:42)  So we have begun to meet together after church on Wednesday nights.  Prayer could be its own separate post, but I will say that I am just beginning to learn and see its power and effects.  I am incredibly blessed to pray alongside such amazing people who love and care for our small group and want to see God glorified in all the world.  Anyway, prayer was followed by an intense workout session with my own personal trainer and new friend, Yuli.  She is anxious to put her kinesiology knowledge to use, and I am a more than willing guinea pig!  I’m having just a bit of a hard time walking today after my forty lunges with weights, followed by the question, “Okay, can you do twenty more?”  Um, okay.  It is these things, these relationships and myriad of other opportunities God has brought into my life this semester that leave me amazed.

 

Yesterday I realized that I am blessed to have great memories, but glad not to be the same person today that I was then.  I am content with my life now, deeply satisfied and pleased even.  However, I look forward to the future with a joyful anticipation and excitement, albeit a little nervousness.  So I am thankful for my past, present, and future.  And I am thankful for yesterday and its collision of eras that prompted this reflection. 

Please Please Please (Don’t) Let Me Get What I Want

A friend of mine recently found the time to blog amidst the craziness of a camp she directs, so I felt a little inspired.  RAs are here.  We’re right in the middle of training.  Students move in Saturday.  Most days I’m working from 8:00 AM until midnight or later, but today I am taking time to write.

The other day I was reminded of The Smiths song, “Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want.”  (Before anyone gets to thinking that I’m more hipster than I am, I have to admit that I only know of The Smiths through a quick reference on Gilmore Girls and by the aforementioned song on the “Pretty in Pink” soundtrack.)  I was reading through Psalm 106 which basically recounts the history of the Israelites, and verses 14 and 15 caught my attention.  “But they had a wanton craving in the wilderness, and put God to the test in the desert; he gave them what they asked, but sent a wasting disease among them.”  After God delivered the Israelites out of Egypt, he led them in the desert for 40 years, sustaining them with a miraculous food, manna, that no one had ever known before.  Exodus 16:31 describes its taste as like wafers made with honey.  God fed the Israelites in this way, but for some of them, it wasn’t enough.  They cried out and complained for meat.  They longed for Egypt where they had plenty of meat and variety, reasoning that the slavery God delivered them from was better than the blandness, monotony, and harshness of desert life.  The Lord granted their request saying, “You shall not eat just one day, or two days, or five days, or ten days, or twenty days, but a whole month until it comes out at your nostrils and becomes loathesome to you because you have rejected the LORD who is among you and have wept before him, saying, ‘Why did we come out of Egypt?’”  (Numbers 11:19-20)  Numbers goes on to say in verse 33, “While the meat was yet between their teeth, before it was consumed, the anger of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD struck down the people with a very great plague.”

In reading these passages, I couldn’t help but be thankful that the Lord doesn’t grant my every wish, whim, or desire.  Over the past few months, I have experienced more disappointment than at any other time in my life.  Back in March I was accepted into grad school, which was certainly not a disappointment.  However, a big part of my being able to begin in the fall was getting the grad assistantship for which I had applied that in essence would make things affordable.  Things looked really good.  I moved from phone interview, to on-campus interview, always feeling like it was the right thing for me, that this was what God had placed on my heart.  The timing seemed perfect.  I had such a renewed longing to learn, and this opportunity to continue working with students in residence life, except minus many of the administrative headaches I currently face, seemed perfect as well.  As I returned home from the interview, I was excited and filled with anticipation of what the next year would bring.

About a month later (much longer than was initially conveyed to me) I got the rejection call.  It’s hard to explain what I felt, exactly.  I was disappointed, but I somehow knew it was right.  As much as I was ready to move on, way in the back of my mind, that place I rarely visit or allow to visit me, I knew there were things to take care of here and now.  It certainly wasn’t my preference or desire, but it was what it was, and I dealt with it.

Add to the complicated mix my first real relationship since high school.  Honestly, some of the hurt over the GA rejection was lessened by the fact that I had a boyfriend.  A close friend of mine, upon hearing about the rejection, reasoned that perhaps God was keeping me here for that very reason, so that I could have more time to get to know and grow closer to my boyfriend.  I believe that God has a million reasons for moving as He does, so I try not to assign neat and tidy interpretations to my life’s circumstances.  However, her words had crossed my mind long before she ever verbalized them.  I remember thinking not long before the GA rejection, that the worst thing that could happen to me would be not getting the grad assistantship and thus not starting grad school in the fall and for me and my boyfriend to break up.  One without the other would be fine, but to not have either would be devastating.  Now I realize that there are much worse things that can happen to a person, but in my mind and heart, these two things were my greatest earthly desires. 

Three weeks exactly after the rejection phone call, I was once again rejected, this time by the boyfriend.  Suddenly, I felt a much bigger loss concerning grad school.  It was as though I hadn’t allowed myself to grieve that disappointment, and it was now so much more incredibly real.  And it wasn’t just school; I was heartbroken over the loss of a relationship unlike any other I had known.  In my entire life, I have known two people I would consider as having marriage potential.  One of them married someone else, and the other broke up with me.  Strangely enough, however, just like the GA rejection, something in me way down deep knew that this too was right. 

I’m not sure that that knowledge made things any easier at first.  This was disappointment on a level that I had not known.  However, one of the first thoughts that came to my mind was Psalm 34:18 which says, “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”  And while the purpose of this blog is not to recount the breakup aftermath, I will say that the Lord was close.  Perhaps closer than He’s ever been.  And that alone made the painful experiences worth it.

So here I am, months later, with a little more perspective, and all I can say is praise God that He didn’t give me what I wanted.  I wouldn’t change a single thing about the way things have transpired.  I am fully confident that His ways, His plans, His purposes are best.  Best, not just good.  Going to grad school would have been a good thing.  Dating a fellow seeking believer was a good thing.  But neither were the best thing.  I could use this space to list the several reasons I think God allowed things to happen as they did, but they don’t really matter.  All that matters is that God is good, and His rule and reign is good, and if He allows me to participate in that kingdom, that also is exceedingly good. 

So my prayer is that God would purify my desires so that they become His desires.  But until then, please, please, please don’t let me get what I want.

“Too soon and we take it all for granted; too late is more than we can bear.”

For almost three weeks now I have been waiting on some significant information, information that will determine where I will be and what I’ll be doing for the next year or two.  I liken this waiting to when I applied for my current job three years ago and was told I should find out by the end of the week (interviewed on a Tuesday) if I got the job.  When five o’clock that Friday rolled around with no news, I was a little disheartened.  It seemed to me that taking longer than expected couldn’t be a good thing.  But come Monday morning I got a call telling me I got the job, and I honestly think my joy was somewhat enhanced by the wait.

Someone recently asked me to share the most significant spiritual lesson I had learned over the past year.  My mind immediately went to the Lord’s faithfulness.  As I look back on the course of my life, I am amazed at all the circumstances that God used to bring me to where I am now, how He prepared me for each new step, and how faithful He was to provide for me along the way.  The Lord is so faithful to provide for all of my needs, and oftentimes, in true Good Father fashion, many of my wants.  I have learned to trust His wisdom, even if it means disappointment.  So that’s where I am now, waiting and trusting.

When I was a junior in college, I really felt led to apply to be Head RA my senior year.  It was odd; I had never really considered the position, and my desire had always been to stay an RA in WMU until I graduated.  I loved that place so much, and I couldn’t imagine being happier anywhere else on campus.  But as the time drew near to apply, I really felt like it was the right thing for me to do.  I prayed about it like crazy, along with my family and small group, and I put my very best effort into my written application and interview.  There wasn’t one thing I thought I could have done differently; I was all in.  And then we got our letters, and I didn’t get it.

I was disappointed.  I cried.  I was confused.  Although I trusted that it was somehow right, I couldn’t understand why God would place it on my heart to apply only to have it not work out.  It was His desire in the first place, not mine.  So what was I supposed to do now?

I think there are some experiences that people go through, bad experiences, horrible even, and they never get to know why.  Thankfully, the Lord has since shown me in several different ways why that position was not best for me.  Most significantly, the Head RA position lasted through the summer after graduation, and the job I got began June 1st.  Also, as a Hall Director each year for the past three years I have had to make a decision between two amazing Senior RA candidates, and my experience of going through that process has brought a much needed understanding and empathy.  I could list lots of other little things, but really my point is that God saw where I would be years down the line and acted totally in my best interest.  Faithful and trustworthy indeed.

Sometimes I wish that God wanted me to be a nurse, or an accountant, or a high school English teacher.  Anything that I could just go to school for, graduate, and then do.  But when I look at what brings me the most joy, what challenges me, what I could see myself doing for years to come, it is none of these things.  More than anything else, I want to study and learn Scripture, its language, its context, its application.  I want to help others learn.  At this point I’m thinking college professor, but I’m open.  It has been my experience that God doesn’t reveal His will to me in huge chunks, but rather in small steps of obedience.  So here I am, three years out of college, with an awakened and incredibly intense desire to be back in school.  But just like Head RA, I didn’t choose this desire.  Believe me, if I had chosen, it would be a lot easier than this.

So I’m sitting here, thinking that I need to remind God that He’s led me up to this point, that this was His idea, not mine, that this is for His glory, so why wouldn’t He follow through on it?  But my perspective is limited.  And the Lord is wise.  It comes down to what I believe about Him.  Even if I am disappointed, and even if I never get to know why, I will say as Job did, “The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”

Praise the Lord for significant lyrics, because other than Scripture, nothing speaks more to my heart and circumstances.  One song has been my anthem over the past year, as it continually applies to situation after situation.  As I seem to be in a season of waiting, I am comforted by the truth of these words.

There’s a restlessness in the soul of man

Nobody’s tamed it yet

You never fail to keep any promises

But somehow we forget

 

That You’re always right on time

 

And You feed us all with a silver spoon

And like Your foolish kids

We start worrying about what we’re gonna do

When the hunger comes again

 

But You’re always right on time

With an open hand

You have exactly what I need

Daily bread, daily bread

 

You have the wisdom and the patience

We need Your grace to see it clear

Too soon and we take it all for granted

Too late is more than we can bear

 

So You’re always right on time

With an open hand

You have exactly what I need

Daily bread, daily bread, daily bread

 

(Jill Phillips – Daily Bread)

 

Who knows, maybe Monday I’ll get my news.  It’s definitely not too soon, and I won’t take it for granted.  However, God is good, and He hasn’t given me anything I couldn’t bear.

20 Questions for 2006

A friend passed this on to me as a great way to reflect on the past year, so I thought I’d share.

What was the best CD you got? (purchased or burned)

Hmm … probably the most difficult question on here!  I have really grown to love The Flaming Lips this year, so perhaps At War with the Mystics.  Although not my favorite upon first listen, I have grown to really appreciate Jill Phillips’ Nobody’s Got It All Together as well. 

 

What was the best book you read?

For Christmas I got my dad a book called 501 Must Read Books and after flipping through it, I am completely and utterly ashamed of my lack of reading.  I want to be a reader!  I started Anna Karenina this summer, but had to turn it back into the library before I finished it.  The best book that I read from start to finish within the past year would have to be Don Miller’s Blue Like Jazz.

 

What was the best movie you saw at the theater?

I’m cheap when it comes to movies, so I hardly ever go.  I check out movies from the library or from Randy’s on Thursdays.  I’m trying to even remember movies I saw in the theater … none worth mentioning.

 

Favorite quote you heard in 2006:

I might have heard this in late 2005, but “There are two great lies that I’ve heard:  ‘The day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die.’ And that Jesus Christ was a white middle-class Republican, and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him.”  Derek Webb, from “A King & A Kingdom”

 

Friends you made this year?

Ben, Michelle, a few more church friends, new RAs, new boss, new residents

 

Friends you lost this year?

Hmm … I can really only think of two: Katrina and Robin.  Why does everyone have to graduate and get married?  These were two of my RA girlies I’d had from the beginning, and I shed a tear or two when they left.

 

Something you learned about yourself:

Haha.  Read this.

 

Favorite summer memory:

Taking Jayme to The Fray … her first concert ever.

 

Favorite Spring memory:

Watching Jayme catch Tony Parker’s shoe at the Spurs game we were at over spring break.

 

Favorite holiday memory:

Hmm … throwing up Christmas day?  No, it would have to be the vast amount of quality time spent with my family.

 

TV show you watched the most:

It would have to be a toss up between Gilmore Girls and LOST.  I never miss an episode of GG, and I usually put on old seasons while I’m cleaning my apartment or doing laundry.  However, over the course of 2006, I watched the first two full seasons of LOST as well as the six episode opener of season 3.

 

Something you learned about God:

To quote Jill Phillips, “But You’re always right on time.”  Seriously, I have never been surer of His perfect timing than over the course of the past year. 

 

Coolest clothing item you purchased:

Well, I did buy a pair of Ralph Lauren jeans for $5 at a thrift store in Abilene over the summer.  Although I just bought this last week, (technically not 2006) I did see it this past fall and really, really wanted it: 

Best toy, electronic device, etc you got this year:

Um, no question there.  My iPod, hands down.  (Actually, I think I got it at the end of last year, but it still reigns as best toy.)

 

What news event stuck out to you most this year?

Like reading, I have a similar guilt about not keeping up with current events.  However, I would have to say that the event that most impacted me the most this year was the murder of Jamie Bolin.  It felt like something from a movie.  I actually read a little of her murderer’s blog which made it even more bizarre.

 

What song would be your theme song for 2006?

Jill Phillips – “Daily Bread”  She sang it for me at her concert!

 

What books of the Bible (if any) did you read this year?

I read through the New Testament through the lens of prayer this year, noting every verse in which it’s mentioned, doing my best to gain a fresh perspective untainted by what I or anyone else had previously conceived.

 

Anything you wished you did this year?

Saved more money, managed time better … little things that make a huge difference. 

 

Biggest change in your life this year:

Well, that would probably be dating someone.  A close second would be Body for Life.  Yay for becoming healthy!  Oh, and I learned how to knit.

 

What are the big plans for 2007?

More Body for Life, running a HALF MARATHON come April, a possible NYC trip with Jayme this summer, hopefully lots of concerts and … grad school/seminary in the fall?  I also want to continue studying prayer … going back over my notes from the past year, reading some books and most importantly, praying. 

07.05.06

When I started my job over two years ago, I went in thinking, “This is the perfect job for me.  It’s a natural extension of what I’ve already been doing the past three years.  I can take some time to make sure of what I really want to do with my life.  That way I won’t spend thousands of dollars in graduate school only to find out that I hate what I was preparing for and wasted untold amounts of money.  I’ve been in school for seventeen years; I desperately need a break.  It’ll just be two years, maybe three.”

 

I am fully confident that all of these thoughts and feelings were completely legitimate.  I have never questioned whether or not this is where I was supposed to be.  I truly believe that my job is a good and perfect gift that came down from the Father of the heavenly lights.  The past two years have been precious to me.  I have learned so much and grown tremendously.  And while I have been stretched, I have recently realized that I have also grown quite comfortable. 

 

It would be one thing if this was my chosen career or if I felt I was fulfilling my life’s calling.  It’s quite another to sit comfortably in an extended adolescence … basically college without studying and tests.

 

As this summer is quickly passing, I’ve thought several times, “Is this my last summer here?  My last Edmond 4th of July?  My last RA Training?”  And it’s bizarre.  My “maybe three” has become “yes three, maybe four.” 

 

The thing is, it doesn’t really matter if I work here four or forty four years if I am pursuing my calling.  But the question is, can I really stay here much longer and honestly say that’s what I’m doing? 

 

There is an article in the latest issue of Relevant that speaks to this very issue.  It was a wakeup call and challenge to me personally, and I see it as completely “relevant” to those in my same situation.  “Get a Haircut and a Real Job” by Mark Steele challenges twentysomethings to get out of Neverland, “that post-college phantom satisfaction that lulls one into whims of lackadaisy” with six practical tips:

 

1.      Don’t Hit Snooze

Basically a call to forsake laziness, the first point is pretty straightforward.  Don’t waste time.  Steele writes, “Yes, we all enjoy a good sleep-in, but the whole purpose behind having a weekly Sabbath is that lethargy is the exception, not the rule.”

2.      Make a Freakin’ Move

Now that you’re not wasting time sleeping in, do something with that time.  “Work with what you’ve got.  Take a long hard look at your skill set, and then actually do something related to that skill set … And before you ask: No, debating plot points from Lost is not a skill set.”

3.      Perhaps You Are the Poser

“I hate to break this to you, but if you talk big plans about your ‘mission’ or ‘calling’ but lack any forward motion, (spoiler alert) you are a massive tool.”  Ouch.  Forward motion.  Those words put this next year into a whole new perspective.  While I don’t know the specifics of my future, there is enough light on the path for now.  “If you are uncertain about the specific direction of your life, there are other ways to act upon the truth.  They are called “disciplines,” and they develop as such in your life.  Don’t wait for answers.  Instead, be practical and spiritual.  Exercise.  Pray.  Expand your knowledge.  Fast from meals – or fast from media … Put yourself in a lifestyle pattern of growth, and growth will indeed come.”

4.      Opinionated is Easy

I have a hard time with people (including myself) who in all their intellectual snobbery find something wrong with everything yet do nothing to make things better.  It may be “cool” to criticize, to give oneself the feeling of superiority over another based simply on a highly educated opinion, but what good does it do anyone?  Now I am all for criticism … but to an end.  “If you obsess hard enough, I’m quite certain you can devalue another’s career, the Church throughout history, fans of Michael W. Smith, the Bible and your mother’s claim to have birthed you, but that doesn’t make anything you do productive … a lifestyle of criticism will lead absolutely nowhere.”  Let’s light a candle, people.

5.      You Can (Really) Go It Alone …

This one is tough for me.  I look at the hours and hours of reading, and writing, and thinking possibly ahead of me, and I am fearful.  Do I really have it in me?  Am I smart enough?  Am I dedicated enough?  “(I)f the passion is in you for a frightening thing, then you need to get out there and get frightened.  Just because your dream is daunting does not make it untrue …God continues to do great things, and for some amazing reason, He continues to do them through people.  However, He is looking for those who will both trust Him and take action.”

6.      …But Not Too Alone

The truth is, we need others, and others need us.  I like to think that I am learning to live and love in community.  Regardless of my specific “calling” in life, I have a general calling to love others … and I can do that now.  “Stewing in uncertainty?  Go help someone.  Tend to be critical?  Go love someone.  Waiting for a next step?  Go encourage someone.  Looking for value?  Go to someone’s rescue.  The worst plan imaginable is for each and every one of us to wallow in isolation until we think we have our plans figured out, because isolation is the opposite of the real plan.  It is in the selfless efforts toward one another that we actually change and grow.”

 

So I’m a little heavy on the quotes, but they are all so significant to me.  If you get a chance, you should really read the whole article … a must for floundering post-grads and current college students at a loss for the next step.