In Search of the STOF Man

I liked my last boyfriend for three reasons.  He was older, taller, and smarter than me.  Granted, he was only older by a few months, taller by a few inches, and smarter by, well, I didn’t ever ask his SAT scores, but I am fairly certain they were better than mine.  (He never did beat me at Connect 4, though.)  Obviously I valued more than those three characteristics, but it was a running joke I shared with friends at the time … my three “non-negotiables.”

Anyway, I was pretty amused to happen upon a similar list in the book I’ve been reading the past couple days.  Rachel Toor dedicates a chapter of her memoir, “Personal Record: A Love Affair with Running,” to her search for the ideal man who in her opinion is STYF: Smarter, Taller, Younger, and Faster.  She acknowledges the difficulty of defining smarter, but goes on to explain, “I need to be with someone whose mind zigs and zags in ways that enchant me, whether by listening to him talk about Penrose tiles or by watching him pack a moving truck.  Likewise, I want someone who wants me because he likes the sounds my sentences make on those rare occasions when they sing.”  I could not have said it better myself.

Taller is pretty self explanatory, but younger was a surprise.  Being in her 40s, Toor feels younger men are more comfortable around strong women.  She muses, “Show me a fellow who can articulate why he hates everything Hilary Clinton stands for but would never think to call her ‘opinionated’ and that’s a guy I’d like to date.”  Younger men for her aren’t patronizing.  Being that I’m nowhere near 40, and most of the guys she’s referring to as younger than her are still older than me, I’m sticking with my initial desire … older is better.  Bring on the maturity!

The title of the chapter in which this STYF discussion occurs is “Speed Goggles.”  As opposed to beer goggles.  For Toor, this one attribute has the potential to override the previous three.  “I find out that someone who seemed stupid, old, and short can still run a 2:30 marathon?  Come on over, big boy.”  Considering I am nowhere near the runner Toor is, I don’t think it should be very hard to find a guy faster than me!  And while I wouldn’t rank this trait at the top of the list, I’m happy to tag it on at the end.  I would love a running partner, someone better than me willing to condescend to my level, making me better.

Toor conludes the chapter by writing, “I’ve given up on trying to find a STYF man; he’s proved as elusive as an ivory-billed woodpecker.  Plus, I’ve come to accept that I’m not everyone’s cup of decaf skim chai: I don’t cook, and I’m kind of mean.  At this point I’d settle for an interesting running partner who pushes me to keep up and never calls me ‘opinionated’; someone who teaches me new things and knows the value of a semicolon.  If that’s still too much to ask, maybe what I really need is a dog.”

Well, I’m not dog shopping yet.  I don’t really cook either, but I’m not mean.  And I’m too young to give up on the dream of, in my case, a STOF man.

06.06.06

I seriously considered choosing a different edition of Anna Karenina as my “currently reading,” considering that this one so boldly proclaims “OPRAH’S BOOK CLUB.”  However, in all honesty this is the edition that I checked out from the Edmond Public Library, and I must say that nowhere on the cover of my book is Oprah even mentioned. 

In the spirit of honesty, I must admit that my motivations for reading Anna Karenina are anything but scholarly.  The first appeal is the name … Anna Karenininininininina … it’s fun to say.  The second, and by far the more significant appeal is the fact that it has been mentioned numerous times on Gilmore Girls.  Rory encourages Dean to read it because it’s one of her favorite books.   In her valedictorian speech, she talks about living in two worlds, one of books, in which she rode a sad train with Anna Karenina. 

Last summer I started Pride and Prejudice and after a hundred pages or so in, I still wasn’t into it.  I’ve heard that in the case of P&P, it might actually be better to watch the six hour Colin Firth miniseries first.  Who knows.  Anyway, this summer I have chosen Anna Karenina as my classic literature summer reading, and much unlike P&P, at 60 pages in, I am totally hooked. 

A novice reader, I have yet to read any Tolstoy.  I thought it would be difficult … a struggle to get through.  I haven’t found it so, but have rather been completely drawn in by his description of characters.  He writes people so well; you really think their thoughts and feel their emotions.  He puts words to your own thoughts that were never quite solidified.  And this all from 60 pages … I can’t imagine what I’ll think come page 817.

Anyway, I’m sure that my reading will spark a few Xanga entries.  In fact, I had intended this post simply to be a few thoughts on a particular quote, but I have obviously digressed.  Now back on track, here’s the quote, my thoughts, and a solicitation for your thoughts:

In describing one of the main characters, a man named Levin, Tolstoy writes, “He had heard that women often love unattractive, simple people, but he did not believe it, because he judged by himself, and he could only love beautiful, mysterious and special women.” 

Whoa … the honesty.  I think I might have said out loud, “That is so true!”  Now I’m making some sweeping generalizations, but it seems to me that women are much more likely to love men for who they are, sometimes in spite of their appearance, than men with women.  Think about it … how often do you see a very attractive woman with a not so attractive man?  It’s decently common.  But how often do you see an incredibly attractive man with an unattractive woman?  Hmm … I’ve maybe seen that twice in my life.  Some friends of mine have a game they play called “Who Wins?”  You look at a couple and try to figure out who is getting the better deal, totally based on appearance.  If the girl is more attractive, the guy wins, and if the guy is more attractive, the girl wins.  From what I hear, the guy almost always wins … and I believe it.

A few years ago, while going to pick up my brother from day care, my mom and I were listening to a radio broadcast of Chuck Swindoll speaking about marriage and relationships.  On a sidenote, he said that he had thought of entitling the sermon series “Peter, Paul and Marriage” which I thought was super clever.  Anyway, he mentioned what have been described as the differing needs of men and women, taken from the popular book “His Needs, Her Needs.”  I remember hearing the lists, and at the time, I was a little disturbed by the men’s side.  According to this book, the top five needs a man has within his marriage are:

1. Sexual Fulfillment
2. Recreational Companionship
3. An Attractive Spouse
4. Domestic Support
5. Admiration

Does this sound like a prostitute/buddy/nanny combo to anyone else?  From my perspective, I was like, “Where’s communication?  Where’s connectedness?  Where’s intimacy?”  I mean, I was floored that attractiveness was that high on the list of NEEDS, not wants, and who are we kidding … number three is pretty connected to number one.  Anyway, according to the book, the top five needs of a woman within her marriage are:

 

1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and Openness
4. Financial Support
5. Family Commitment

Does anyone else see a major imbalance between the two sets of needs?  Maybe I’m having a hard time getting out of my own female perspective, but it seems to me that according to these lists, any woman will due for a man if she is attractive enough and can cater to his interests.  However, a woman needs a man with a brain, capable of complex thought and emotion. 

 

So I guess my real question is, how capable are men of seeing beyond the surface?  I take that back … how capable are they of disregarding the surface?  Now I’m not talking about dating or marrying someone whose appearance you find revolting.  But as a woman, I can say that I have been physically attracted to guys after getting to know them who I may not have been physically attracted to from the start.  I am one of the women Levin had heard about who could love “unattractive, simple people,” at least according to the world’s perspective. 

 

I have no idea who will read this, but if you do, and you have any thought one way or the other, I would be extremely grateful to hear it. 

04.15.06

A few things I have learned/noticed recently:

1. The lead singer for Death Cab for Cutie and the lead singer for The Postal Service are one and the same.  (Or is it one in the same?)

2. I do not enjoy running uphill nor into the wind.

3. The background music for Kentucky Fried Chicken commercials is “Sweet Home Alabama.” 

4. You’re supposed to buy tennis shoes at least half a size bigger than your street shoe size. 

5. The best place to pluck your eyebrows is in the car … it has the best lighting.  (Okay, I’ve known that one for awhile, but felt compelled to pass it along.)

Happy Easter Eve, everyone!  “Because He lives I can face tomorrow; because He lives all fear is gone; because I know He holds the future, and life is worth the living just because He lives.”

12.09.05

Quick thought:

Those who slip or trip, but catch themselves before falling are actually graceful, not clumsy. 

10.13.05

“My theory is that when it comes to important subjects, there’s only two ways a person can answer.  Which way they choose tells you who that person is.  For instance, there’s only two kinds of people in the world:  Beatles people and Elvis people.  Now Beatles people can like Elvis and Elvis people can like Beatles, but nobody likes them both equally.  Somewhere you have to make a choice … and that choice tells you who you are.”

I am definitely a Beatles person.  I can appreciate some Elvis, but I didn’t grow up listening to Elvis records … it was Hey Jude and Penny Lane I couldn’t get enough of.  Anyway, I love this concept (taken, by the way, from a deleted scene in Pulp Fiction in which Uma Thurman interviews John Travolta; he was an Elvis person).  This past RA training we did an ice breaker with a similar slant … take a step forward if you’re this, take a step backward if you’re that.  I adapted it for the first night of a small group Bible study I tri-lead, but alas only one person showed up, and it got scratched.  So rather than it going completely to waste, I have decided to post it here with my preferences noted. 

Coke or Dr. Pepper?  

Dr. Pepper

Chocolate or vanilla? 

chocolate

Bell or Bueno? 

Bueno, of course.  How could I be disloyal to my hometown?  The first Taco Bueno ever was in Abilene!

Sprint or Cingular? 

Sprint

Facebook or Xanga? 

Used to be Facebook, but now Xanga

When snacking, do you want something salty or sweet? 

salty

Do take your showers in the morning or at night? 

morning

Would you call yourself a leader or a follower? 

I like to follow a good leader, but I am willing to take the leader’s role as well.

Do you prefer to snack in the daytime or nighttime? 

nighttime

Would you rather be a contestant on Big Brother or Survivor? 

Big Brother

Would you rather take a vacation at the beach or in the mountains? 

Difficult … maybe mountains

Would you say you were more spontaneous or do you always make a plan? 

Spontaneous with some inevitable planning

Are you more apt to break the speed limit or go the speed limit? 

Probably break … but not by much

On a casual day, are you wearing flip flops or tennis shoes? 

Flip flops!

Do you prefer summer or winter? 

Good things about both … summer

Are you more like your mom or your dad? 

Probably mom, although I definitely have some dad in me

Do you need lots of alone time or do you need people constantly around you? 

 I like both!  However, I am a quality time girl, so I love having people I love around.

Are you quiet or loud? 

Depends on the circumstance … but with people I know well, loud

On your day off do you play outside or watch TV? 

Although I enjoy outside, in all honesty probably watch TV

Are you a morning or night person? 

night

Would you rather watch a sunrise or sunset? 

 sunrise

Do you enjoy being in the spotlight or behind the scenes? 

behind the scenes

Would you rather watch a movie in the theater or at home? 

Both are great!  There’s just something about a theater, though.

Do you get things done ahead of time or wait until the last minute? 

Last minute; I thrive under pressure.

Do you have a large group of acquaintances or a small group of close friends? 

small group of close friends

Do you prefer a modern worship style or traditional? 

I like a combination … I am torn on this one … I just like excellence in worship

When someone is talking, do you really listen or wait to talk? 

I have to really concentrate to listen, so probably wait to talk.

Okay, so I am officially soliciting comments on this one.  If you have the time, copy the questions and leave me your answers … don’t forget Elvis or Beatles!

 *****EDIT*****
Okay, so I think I fixed the copy/paste/fill in answers problem so hopefully no one else will get frustrated!

09.11.05

I am very particular about toilet paper.  It’s not that I am obsessed enough to bring my own roll wherever I go, but I have a definite preference when it comes time to make a TP purchase.  First of all, I refuse to consider frugality when it comes to toilet paper.  I figure I can save a couple dollars in some other way.  Scratchy thin toilet paper is simply not pleasant.  Also, I don’t really like super-fibrous toilet paper.  That’s that kind that when you use it to blow your nose or in some other kleenex like fashion, it leaves little white fibers behind.  The toilet paper people are just trying to be too cushion-y soft.  Another toilet paper pet peeve of mine is ridiculous advertising.  I really cannot stand the Charmin Bear and his stupid calypso music.  Even if I really liked their toilet paper, I don’t think I would buy it simply because of the “Cha cha cha … Charmin!” 

One of the toilet paper renovations that I am eternally grateful for is the invention of the double roll.  I truly appreciate them cutting my toilet paper roll change time in half.  I really don’t understand people who continue to purchase single rolls.  I mean, it might look like you’re getting a good deal when you get 24 rolls for $5.00 as opposed to just 12, but the 12 are double rolls!  You get the same amount of toilet paper and only have to change the roll 12 times!  But it gets even better … much to my delight have I noticed lately the introduction of a new product to the toilet paper market … THE TRIPLE ROLL!  Finally, a product that allows me to save an even extra twenty seconds a week (or however long it really takes me to run out of toilet paper). 

So after three years of buying toilet paper for myself, I have finally found the best that there is.  This is my official toilet paper endorsement for all to see.  I would highly recommend that on your next toilet paper trip you pick up a package of Kleenex Cotonelle Triple Rolls with Ripples.  It’s soft, but not too cushion-y, and the ripples are just an added bonus.  It’s not too fat to fit on your roll; it’s somehow super condensed so that you don’t need one of those silly roll extender things.  Kleenex Cotonelle Triple Rolls with Ripples have brought some simple joy to my life, and I’m confident it can do the same for you. 

So I have been an official Xanga member for over a year, but this is my first time to ever post.  I have enjoyed reading several of my friends’ posts, but I have just been hesitant to put anything out there for fear of sounding boring or cliche.  However, today I just really got the urge to write about my random thoughts, and I have enjoyed doing so.  Regardless of if anyone ever even reads a single post of mine, writing is a good exercise for me, and I know I will be thankful someday to go back and read about who I was and what I was thinking about at this point in my life.  So … yea. 

Well, my last triple roll is on it’s last leg, so I’m off to Super Target to get some more.