In Search of the STOF Man

I liked my last boyfriend for three reasons.  He was older, taller, and smarter than me.  Granted, he was only older by a few months, taller by a few inches, and smarter by, well, I didn’t ever ask his SAT scores, but I am fairly certain they were better than mine.  (He never did beat me at Connect 4, though.)  Obviously I valued more than those three characteristics, but it was a running joke I shared with friends at the time … my three “non-negotiables.”

Anyway, I was pretty amused to happen upon a similar list in the book I’ve been reading the past couple days.  Rachel Toor dedicates a chapter of her memoir, “Personal Record: A Love Affair with Running,” to her search for the ideal man who in her opinion is STYF: Smarter, Taller, Younger, and Faster.  She acknowledges the difficulty of defining smarter, but goes on to explain, “I need to be with someone whose mind zigs and zags in ways that enchant me, whether by listening to him talk about Penrose tiles or by watching him pack a moving truck.  Likewise, I want someone who wants me because he likes the sounds my sentences make on those rare occasions when they sing.”  I could not have said it better myself.

Taller is pretty self explanatory, but younger was a surprise.  Being in her 40s, Toor feels younger men are more comfortable around strong women.  She muses, “Show me a fellow who can articulate why he hates everything Hilary Clinton stands for but would never think to call her ‘opinionated’ and that’s a guy I’d like to date.”  Younger men for her aren’t patronizing.  Being that I’m nowhere near 40, and most of the guys she’s referring to as younger than her are still older than me, I’m sticking with my initial desire … older is better.  Bring on the maturity!

The title of the chapter in which this STYF discussion occurs is “Speed Goggles.”  As opposed to beer goggles.  For Toor, this one attribute has the potential to override the previous three.  “I find out that someone who seemed stupid, old, and short can still run a 2:30 marathon?  Come on over, big boy.”  Considering I am nowhere near the runner Toor is, I don’t think it should be very hard to find a guy faster than me!  And while I wouldn’t rank this trait at the top of the list, I’m happy to tag it on at the end.  I would love a running partner, someone better than me willing to condescend to my level, making me better.

Toor conludes the chapter by writing, “I’ve given up on trying to find a STYF man; he’s proved as elusive as an ivory-billed woodpecker.  Plus, I’ve come to accept that I’m not everyone’s cup of decaf skim chai: I don’t cook, and I’m kind of mean.  At this point I’d settle for an interesting running partner who pushes me to keep up and never calls me ‘opinionated’; someone who teaches me new things and knows the value of a semicolon.  If that’s still too much to ask, maybe what I really need is a dog.”

Well, I’m not dog shopping yet.  I don’t really cook either, but I’m not mean.  And I’m too young to give up on the dream of, in my case, a STOF man.

Singleness/Dating/Marriage Greatest Hits: V-Day Edition

Over the past few years I’ve written a fair share of blogs.  And as a most-of-the-time-single girl, a few of them dealt with questions and issues regarding singleness, dating, and marriage.  My last post on this topic happened to be last year’s Valentine’s Day.  As V-Day approached this year, I realized that I don’t have much else to say.  So this year I am offering up, in one convenient post, my aforementioned humble attempts to answer (or at least ask more questions about) the following:

What are the benefits of singleness?

What’s your E-Harmony age?

Are there plenty of fish in the sea?

How important are butterflies?

What do women (and men) really want?

What’s the perfect wedding locale?

Do you want someone to make you coffee in the morning?

Are women worth the pursuit?

Does it all come out in Moron?

Can what I want be totally wrong?

Are guys/girls a mystery to you?

Darlin’, you are such a mystery to me …

Sometime last semester I was eating dinner with a new friend when she asked me a somewhat audacious question.  “Why are you still single?”  I tried to be as transparent as you can be with a new friend, I suppose, and explained that I didn’t really date just to be dating.  Most guys who have expressed interest in the past didn’t really fit the mold of someone with whom I could see myself, hence the single state. 

Then about a month ago I had a similar conversation while riding in a car with another new friend I was just getting to know.  She asked if I was dating anyone to which I replied that I wasn’t.  I fired the same question back at her, and she offered the same response.  She then paused for a second and asked, “Why is a girl like you not?”  I was flattered and could ask the very same question of her.  My friend is pretty, considerate, creative, and she loves the Lord.  Why hadn’t some great guy found her?  Our conversation then turned to the age old question … “Where are all the good guys?” 

It seems to me that Christian males have an unfair advantage when it comes to relationships.  I can’t offer a statistic on the Christian male to female ratio, but I can say that in my own observation single committed Christian females seem to outnumber males of the same caliber.  And when I say committed, I’m talking quality.  Mature.  With depth.  Not apathetic.  A lover of God and of people and a seeker of His wisdom.  Granted, not many females fall into this category either, but it feels like these guys are almost nonexistent … or well, married.  This type of guy, even if only minimally physically attractive, could pretty much take his pick from among single Christian women, and if he’s good looking – watch out. 

While I’ve had plenty of crushes in my day, I can count on one hand the number of guys I’ve ever seriously considered, guys like the quality guy mentioned above.  I can certainly appreciate attractive qualities in the opposite sex, but there’s more to it than that.  I can’t help but echo Elisabeth Elliot who said of her first husband Jim, “I thanked God for a man who put Him first.  I could not have gotten terribly excited about one whose spiritual hunger did not parallel my own.”  As she began to realize her affection for Jim and the potential for real relationship there, she described him as “a real man, strong, broadchested, unaffected, friendly, and I thought, very handsome.  He loved God.  That was the supreme dynamic of his life.  Nothing else mattered much by comparison.”  She too could appreciate the qualities that made him attractive to the world.  However, Jim’s love for God as evidenced by his love for people was the heart of her attraction. 

This handful of “quality guys” baffles me.  The other day I remembered an old Caedmon’s Call lyric, crafted by Derek Webb in the midst of some of the relationship drama which characterized much of his earlier work.  “Darlin’, you are such a mystery to me, you know.”  While I’ve heard this sentiment from many a guy, it certainly goes both ways.  I am so thankful for my married boys, Rodney and Randy, who are always willing to help shed a little light on my sometimes bewildered state.  There’s a comfort and wisdom I find in both of them.  I have no shame in saying, “Hey, listen to this voicemail and help me parse for subtext.”  However, sometimes the “handful” confuses my married boys as well, which brings me to the real subject of this post.   

If I could gather the handful in a room and without sacrificing any dignity, ask them anything I wanted, I think it might look something like this: 

1. How important is appearance?  Given the choice between an incredibly attractive Christian girl who is sweet, but perhaps not very deep, and a moderately pretty Christian girl with endearing flaws, perhaps a little less polished but with a real personality, which would you choose?  In the best book I ever started without finishing (Anna Karenina), Tolstoy hints at the trumping power of appearance in regard to female attraction when describing the character Levin.  “He had heard that women often love unattractive, simple people, but he did not believe it, because he judged by himself, and he could only love beautiful, mysterious and special women.”  All right girls, there you have it.
2. How capable are you of seeing through the games and manipulation of women?  As a rule, I do my best to avoid both of these. J  That determination stems from conviction and obviously not the outcome of said tactics, because honestly, sometimes they seems to work.  I will see girls bend over backwards to “help” the handful, but completely lack a genuine concern for the welfare of others as a whole.  Do you see this?  Or do you just think, “What a nice girl!  I should ask her out.”
3. How easy is it to tell when a girl is interested?  When culture deems it acceptable for girls to ask guys out or at least make their interest explicitly known, can you even pick up on the subtleties of less forward women?  Or are you so used to having girls throw themselves at you that you’re oblivious to the other open doors?
4. What’s the intimidation factor?  Have you ever met a girl that you wanted to date but were too reticent to approach?  Okay, well, duh.  I’m sure every guy has, but other than appearance, what factors into that?
5. In making dating decisions, how much do you rely on prayer and the leading of the Holy Spirit?  I had another car conversation awhile back with two guys on the subject of dating.  Guy #1 shared his philosophy, which he had borrowed from a sermon on singleness, that everyone should just run wholeheartedly after the Lord and after awhile look around to see who’s running beside them.  Guy #2 interrupted with his own contradicting view.  “Sometimes you just see a cute girl and ask her out.”  While I appreciated his honesty, I was also a little disheartened, because these words were spoken from the mouth of one of the handful.

 Perhaps these questions betray a personal vulnerability unintended when I sat down to write this blog, but I’m just going to go with it.  I am looking for a partner.  Yes, I’m a girl, and I want all the silly things girls want, but most of all I am seeking partnership.  Partner in life.  Partner in ministry.  Partner in love.  And I can’t settle for someone without that same desire. 

So on Valentine’s Day 2008, I want to look forward to that partnership, not in a romantic comedy “life’s all about me” way, but with the most realistic expectations a single girl can muster.  So I leave you with some wise words on love from a much quoted favorite of mine and a poem that captures both the beauty and realism of marriage.  Enjoy, friends! 

“Maybe you’re the dream I’m waking from

‘Cause I see you everywhere I go

Darlin’, you are such a mystery to me, you know

Don’t you know that

Love is different than you’d think

It’s never in a song or on a TV screen

And love is harder than a word

Said at the right time and everything’s alright

Love is different than you think” 

Love Is Different – Caedmon’s Call 

Marriage – to Tanya

How hard it is for me, who live

in the excitement of women

and have the desire for them

in my mouth like salt.  Yet

you have taken me and quieted me.

You have been such light to me

that other women have been

your shadows.  You come near me

with the nearness of sleep.

And yet I am not quiet.

It is to be broken.  It is to be

torn open.  It is not to be

reached and come to rest in

ever.  I turn against you,

I break from you, I turn to you.

We hurt, and are hurt,

and have each other for healing.

It is healing.  It is never whole. 

– Wendell Berry

2007: An Illustrated Year in Review

One of my favorite Christmas traditions is the Christmas card.  I couldn’t tell you the history or anything, but for as long as I can remember my family has sent and received them.  It’s exciting to get something other than bills or advertisements in the mail, even if it is just a simple card.  Growing up I always appreciated those who would send a picture with their card, even more those who sent a letter.  Ah, the Christmas card letter.  Granted, for most people this is usually a somewhat censored version of the previous year.  You never get a letter saying, “Well, Johnny got out on parole this past April,” or “Suzy fell off the wagon once again, and we’re still waiting to learn her whereabouts.”  The Christmas letter serves to maximize the year’s triumphs while minimizing or ignoring its pitfalls.  Anyway, all that to say that instead of sending out my own Christmas letter this year, I’ve decided to blog it.  So here for your reading pleasure is my own illustrated version of the year’s events including the highs and lows … with only a little bit of censorship.  J

 

Wheaton, Part 1

I began 2007 in a scramble to get my application in for a master’s program at Wheaton College.  I had finally decided that grad school was for me, and Wheaton was at the top of my list.  The scramble was due to a grad assistantship application deadline in February with one of the requirements being acceptance into the graduate school.  So began the process of essays, transcript requests, and recommendation letters.  I soon found out I was accepted into their Biblical Exegesis program, a definite cause for celebration.  However, after a long application process including essay questions, a test, a phone interview and an all day long campus visit with several mini interviews, come April I found out I did not get the grad assistantship I was seeking.  Disheartened and disappointed, I decided to defer my acceptance into the program for a year, then not completely sure if Wheaton was the place for me.

 

Concerts

2007 was perhaps my favorite year in regard to concerts.  I finally was able to cross Ben Harper off my list (twice J) and saw Derek Webb twice as well.  In addition to my two absolute favorites, I caught shows with Jeff Tweedy, Guster, Charlie Hall, Shawn McDonald, Indigo Girls, Anberlin, Switchfoot, Rilo Kiley, and the Decemberists.  Best acts were Ben Harper at Cain’s in Tulsa with Jayme (front row), Rilo Kiley at Palladium in Dallas with Erin (second row) and Decemberists at the Vic Theatre in Chicago with Jayme (second-ish row).   

 

Running

The on again off again relationship continues.  I ran again in the Redbud Classic, its 25^th annual, and my 3^rd.  I also progressed onto the half marathon in the OKC Memorial last April after two years of relay team participation.  However, I slacked a little in my training and didn’t run the whole thing as was my initial goal.  I did run further than I ever had before, though, and finished the race with a desire to complete the full marathon the following year.  So the end of 2007 began my training for April ’08.  26(.2) miles in my 26^th year.  Yep.

Ben-friend to Boyfriend

2007 also saw the coming and going of my first “grown up” relationship.  An ambiguous friendship progressed into a defined relationship bringing with it both excitement and frustration.  I am so thankful for the experience, definitely a learning one at that.  I was honored in his pursuit of me and challenged by his character.  And while breaking up was hard initially (He broke up with me … I said I’d share the lows as well J), I wouldn’t trade that experience or change anything with the perspective I have now. 

 

Haircut

On the heels of a break up, what better way to begin moving on than a drastic haircut?  I usually have a hair cut goal I’m working toward.  You know – cutting bangs, growing out the bangs, blonde, red, etc.  For awhile I’d been admiring the Victoria Beckham shorter in the back, longer in the front cut (a reverse mullet, if you will), and the break up was just the impetus I needed to follow through.  I’ll just say that it’s my favorite hair cut I’ve ever had and that I get compliments on it all the time.  Seriously, strangers come up to me asking me who cuts my hair.  Kudos to Kendra … and my inspiration, Posh Spice.

 

Daniel’s Surgery

This summer my brother finally had a surgery his doctors have speculated about since his cerebral palsy diagnosis at six months old.  With a decrease in mobility over the past few years, they decided to go in and cut tendons in his groin and hamstrings in order to lengthen the muscles.  The expected recovery was up to eight weeks in hip to toe casts, pretty much confined to the house the remainder of his summer.  To add to the stress, my mom got really sick a few days before the surgery was scheduled and couldn’t make it there.  Thankfully my sweet aunt flew down to take over the “mom” role that neither my dad nor myself were equipped to fill, not being moms ourselves.  On the morning of his surgery I was able to share with him the verses that happened to be listed in conjunction with the devotional my church put out over the summer.  “The LORD has said to me in the strongest terms: ‘Do not think like everyone else does.  Do not be afraid that some plan conceived behind closed doors will be the end of you.  Do not fear anything except the LORD Almighty.  He alone is the Holy One.  If you fear him, you need fear nothing else.”  Isaiah 8:11-13.  What sticks out to me the most from being there for that experience was the incredible courage I saw in my brother as well as his trust in the Lord.  Before the surgery and in the months to follow, he shared how he believed God brought him through the extreme difficulty (not an exaggeration in the slightest) and has made him stronger as a result.  Indeed He has.

 

Saturdate

 

What began as a vision in my friend Stacey’s mind nearly two years ago came to fruition this summer in a conference about love, sex, relationships, and truth.  When Stacey asked me to speak at Saturdate, I felt terror and thrill completely intertwined.  I don’t consider myself a public speaker, and my topic (singleness) was personal.  I would much rather have written an article or something.  However, from the moment she asked me I knew no matter how scared I was, it was something I was supposed to do.  And do well.  In the months and weeks leading up to the event, I learned to depend upon the Lord in a way that I hadn’t ever before, and He faithfully provided what became, “Singleness, Embracing the Season.”  The process of preparation was almost as precious as the event itself.  I was so privileged to meet and chat with Shawn and Kate McDonald, our headlining performer and speaker, as I served as their chauffeur for the weekend. Everyone’s talks were incredible and in addition to Shawn, we were all blessed by Charlie Hall leading us in worship Friday night.  I met incredible new people and saw friendships strengthened as only serving together affords.  Such a short space cannot do justice to the weekend, so I’ll just stop there. 

Ministry

 

With my best “hang out” friend moving to Tulsa in September, not to mention the breakup, I had a little more time on my hands this past fall.  Really wanting to redeem the time, I looked for opportunities to serve both at church and school.  Within my FLOCK, a new teaching team began this fall with the intent that members of our group would take turns teaching our class under the mentorship of our current teacher.  Considering that’s maybe what I want to do with my life, I thought it might be a good opportunity for me to gain some experience in that area.  Who knows what people gain from it, but I certainly have learned a lot through the process.  Also, as the Campus Crusade advisor I’ve made an effort to be more active this year by going to meetings and even getting to speak at one of them.  Perhaps my favorite ministry involvement this year has been my work with Conversation Café, a ministry to international students to help them work on their English and in turn build relationships.  I’ve gotten to know one girl in particular who is now truly my friend and often joins me at church.  The volunteers for this ministry are so genuine, and I am incredibly blessed to have met and now know them. 

Wheaton, Part 2

As the fall semester began, I felt more of a sense of urgency to figure out my plans for the following year.  If Wheaton wasn’t for me, then I had better soon figure out what was.  The more I thought about it and talked it over with family, friends, and even an old professor, the more my heart settled in on Wheaton again as my number one option.  I figured the ultimate test would be another visit – half business and half pleasure.  My cousin started there as a freshman this fall, and so I planned a trip to visit her, complete with fun restaurants, sight seeing, and even a concert (actually, a couple of concerts J).  On the business side, I arranged to sit in on several classes and meet with a couple of students in the program I was considering.   I left for the trip fairly confident in my plans to begin there next fall, but I left with certainty.  Barring any unforeseen circumstances, I should be joining Jayme fall of ’08 … for Christ and His Kingdom.

So there you have it, 2007 in a nutshell … perhaps a large one at that.   Thanks for taking the time to read my Christmas card letter, friends!

Please Please Please (Don’t) Let Me Get What I Want

A friend of mine recently found the time to blog amidst the craziness of a camp she directs, so I felt a little inspired.  RAs are here.  We’re right in the middle of training.  Students move in Saturday.  Most days I’m working from 8:00 AM until midnight or later, but today I am taking time to write.

The other day I was reminded of The Smiths song, “Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want.”  (Before anyone gets to thinking that I’m more hipster than I am, I have to admit that I only know of The Smiths through a quick reference on Gilmore Girls and by the aforementioned song on the “Pretty in Pink” soundtrack.)  I was reading through Psalm 106 which basically recounts the history of the Israelites, and verses 14 and 15 caught my attention.  “But they had a wanton craving in the wilderness, and put God to the test in the desert; he gave them what they asked, but sent a wasting disease among them.”  After God delivered the Israelites out of Egypt, he led them in the desert for 40 years, sustaining them with a miraculous food, manna, that no one had ever known before.  Exodus 16:31 describes its taste as like wafers made with honey.  God fed the Israelites in this way, but for some of them, it wasn’t enough.  They cried out and complained for meat.  They longed for Egypt where they had plenty of meat and variety, reasoning that the slavery God delivered them from was better than the blandness, monotony, and harshness of desert life.  The Lord granted their request saying, “You shall not eat just one day, or two days, or five days, or ten days, or twenty days, but a whole month until it comes out at your nostrils and becomes loathesome to you because you have rejected the LORD who is among you and have wept before him, saying, ‘Why did we come out of Egypt?’”  (Numbers 11:19-20)  Numbers goes on to say in verse 33, “While the meat was yet between their teeth, before it was consumed, the anger of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD struck down the people with a very great plague.”

In reading these passages, I couldn’t help but be thankful that the Lord doesn’t grant my every wish, whim, or desire.  Over the past few months, I have experienced more disappointment than at any other time in my life.  Back in March I was accepted into grad school, which was certainly not a disappointment.  However, a big part of my being able to begin in the fall was getting the grad assistantship for which I had applied that in essence would make things affordable.  Things looked really good.  I moved from phone interview, to on-campus interview, always feeling like it was the right thing for me, that this was what God had placed on my heart.  The timing seemed perfect.  I had such a renewed longing to learn, and this opportunity to continue working with students in residence life, except minus many of the administrative headaches I currently face, seemed perfect as well.  As I returned home from the interview, I was excited and filled with anticipation of what the next year would bring.

About a month later (much longer than was initially conveyed to me) I got the rejection call.  It’s hard to explain what I felt, exactly.  I was disappointed, but I somehow knew it was right.  As much as I was ready to move on, way in the back of my mind, that place I rarely visit or allow to visit me, I knew there were things to take care of here and now.  It certainly wasn’t my preference or desire, but it was what it was, and I dealt with it.

Add to the complicated mix my first real relationship since high school.  Honestly, some of the hurt over the GA rejection was lessened by the fact that I had a boyfriend.  A close friend of mine, upon hearing about the rejection, reasoned that perhaps God was keeping me here for that very reason, so that I could have more time to get to know and grow closer to my boyfriend.  I believe that God has a million reasons for moving as He does, so I try not to assign neat and tidy interpretations to my life’s circumstances.  However, her words had crossed my mind long before she ever verbalized them.  I remember thinking not long before the GA rejection, that the worst thing that could happen to me would be not getting the grad assistantship and thus not starting grad school in the fall and for me and my boyfriend to break up.  One without the other would be fine, but to not have either would be devastating.  Now I realize that there are much worse things that can happen to a person, but in my mind and heart, these two things were my greatest earthly desires. 

Three weeks exactly after the rejection phone call, I was once again rejected, this time by the boyfriend.  Suddenly, I felt a much bigger loss concerning grad school.  It was as though I hadn’t allowed myself to grieve that disappointment, and it was now so much more incredibly real.  And it wasn’t just school; I was heartbroken over the loss of a relationship unlike any other I had known.  In my entire life, I have known two people I would consider as having marriage potential.  One of them married someone else, and the other broke up with me.  Strangely enough, however, just like the GA rejection, something in me way down deep knew that this too was right. 

I’m not sure that that knowledge made things any easier at first.  This was disappointment on a level that I had not known.  However, one of the first thoughts that came to my mind was Psalm 34:18 which says, “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”  And while the purpose of this blog is not to recount the breakup aftermath, I will say that the Lord was close.  Perhaps closer than He’s ever been.  And that alone made the painful experiences worth it.

So here I am, months later, with a little more perspective, and all I can say is praise God that He didn’t give me what I wanted.  I wouldn’t change a single thing about the way things have transpired.  I am fully confident that His ways, His plans, His purposes are best.  Best, not just good.  Going to grad school would have been a good thing.  Dating a fellow seeking believer was a good thing.  But neither were the best thing.  I could use this space to list the several reasons I think God allowed things to happen as they did, but they don’t really matter.  All that matters is that God is good, and His rule and reign is good, and if He allows me to participate in that kingdom, that also is exceedingly good. 

So my prayer is that God would purify my desires so that they become His desires.  But until then, please, please, please don’t let me get what I want.

It all comes out in Moron.

So I had sort of an epiphany the other day, and if Xanga is good for anything it’s expounding upon epiphanies.  In 11th grade my history teacher told me she thought one of my strongest intelligences (of the seven) was my knowledge of self, and I think she’s probably right.  I tend to be pretty introspective and incredibly analytical in regard to self.  So I was surprised the other day to realize something about myself that had never really risen to the level of conscious thought.  It suddenly hit me that I am incredibly unskilled at male interaction.

 

Now it’s not like I thought I was some grand master with the fellas up until said epiphany.  No, it’s more like I never really gave much thought to it at all.  I have always been a girls’ girl.  I can’t even name one good guy friend I had growing up.  Sure I had a few camp flings and one real boyfriend in high school, but as a whole I just wasn’t around guys in social settings very much.  I had my close girl friends, and I was content.

 

Actually, looking back I suppose I did have a few guy friends in high school … a few college guys from my church.  Youth interns, Sunday School teachers, and ski trip companions: these were my friends.  However, they were not my peers, a point I will bring out more in a moment.

 

My college social experience disappointingly varied little from high school.  I seemed to be really good at developing female friendships (some of which are still best friends to this day) but really deficient when it came to boys.  It didn’t help that I was an RA in an all female residence hall my sophomore and junior year.  Any male interaction outside of class came by way of friends’ friends, boyfriends, or husbands.  I do remember wishing I had guy friends; I just didn’t know how to get them.

 

Graduation came and went, and then thankfully a new job.  Now while job-wise I didn’t move far from my stint as an RA (hall directing an all female residence hall) I did meet two new friends, and much to my delight, they were boys!  Married boys, but still boys nonetheless.  My first year as a hall director I developed very close friendships with those boys, and I learned quite a bit. 

 

About two years ago, I started visiting a church with a fairly large group of 20 something singles (honestly one of the appeals).  It was great to meet people (guys included) my own age (aka, no longer in college) and there were always lots of opportunities for interaction.  I began developing some surface level friend/acquaintanceships with guys.  Yay for Sarah!  However, I still found the interaction difficult and oftentimes awkward.  Why is it that I had so much ease with the married boys, but so much difficulty with the singles?  Aha!  Epiphany!

 

My whole life I have been drawn to male relationships that are “safe.”  In high school it was the college boys.  Now it’s the married boys.  There is so much potential for friendship, because there is no question of relationship.  I don’t have to worry about what they think of me (as I do with guys I’m interested in) nor do I have to worry about unreciprocated feelings (as I do with guys I’m not interested in).  Nice and safe.

 

So currently in my interactions with single males, I tend to behave in one of two awful ways:

1) If I have interest or feelings for the guy, I get obnoxious.  It’s hard to describe, really, but overall I feel like I become immature.  I show off.  I say stupid things.  I try too hard.  On an episode of Gilmore Girls there’s this moment when Rory’s freaking out over this guy she likes and she tells Lorelai that she doesn’t want to “do or say anything else that’s gonna be remotely moronic.”  Lorelai responds, “I’m afraid once your heart is involved, it all comes out in Moron.”  And while I am not sixteen years old, I am equally as susceptible to freak outs and moron-speak.

2) If I don’t have any interest in dating the guy, and if I pick up on any interest on his part, I act cold.  I generally try to act friendly toward everyone, but in the case of those unreciprocated feelings, I have to play the cold card.  See, it’s not like I have the token “Sorry, I have a boyfriend” response ready to dole out.  It has been my experience that the slightest bit of attention you pay to one of these guys will only hurt them in the end.  It encourages their unwelcomed advances.  If I even get the slightest inkling that a guy may like me (and I don’t want him to) I do everything I can to avoid interaction with this person.  Honestly I would rather treat someone coldly as a preemptive measure than have that awkward rejection conversation later on down the road.  Cruel to be kind. 

 

But back to the epiphany … I am socially retarded when it comes to guys.  But I think that there’s a solution.  First of all, I need to grow a back bone.  Yes, there is a time to pull back so as not to encourage further advances from what I call “the ickies.”  However, I need to be much more open to friendships with guys that I’m not really interested in dating.  I think that I’m afraid I won’t have the nerve or tact to turn someone down graciously, and that I might end up leading someone on out of fear of confrontation.  However, there is so much to learn from all sorts of different people, and I am robbing myself of diverse and fruitful friendships.  Second of all, I need to calm down.  I need to quit faking confidence and learn to be confident.  I can’t allow myself to be intimidated by guys I’m interested in.  I know there will always be some inevitable moron-speak, but elevating any person to a level that in turn puts me on a lower level is just ridiculous. 

 

And now comes the hard part.  I can’t look in the mirror and forget what I look like.  Time to embrace my newfound realizations and be open.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

10.25.06

A few weeks ago I crossed another movie off my Best Picture to watch list.  While I didn’t love it as much as I had hoped, I did feel that Out of Africa had some significant things to say about relationships between men and women.  And while I tend to put a lot out there regarding my life, I have been particularly guarded concerning my own relationship issues or lack thereof … the internet is not the appropriate forum.  However, something Meryl Streep’s character said in the movie has remained with me, and I feel it deserves to be expanded upon.

 

Karen Blixen moves to Kenya after marrying the brother of her lover out of sheer convenience.  Her marriage inevitably falls apart as her new husband cheats on her repeatedly, even infecting her with syphilis.  In the midst of all this she falls in love with Denys, a rugged, free spirited hunter who provides all the adventure and affection Karen could hope for.  As their relationship deepens, Karen begins to battle her own expectations and desires for the relationship knowing they do not mirror her new lover’s.  As progressive as she is, at her core she still desires the one thing Denys will not give: commitment.

 

Karen’s love for Denys compels her to live life on his terms.  He moves in with her, coming and going as he pleases, always leaving her wanting more.  I don’t doubt that he loves her; he just loves himself more.  In one heated discussion Karen says, “I used to think that there was nothing that you really wanted, but that’s not it, is it?  You want to have it all!”  Perhaps the older I get, the more jaded I become in regard to guys, but I can’t help affirming that statement with a hearty amen. 

 

I recently read an article entitled “Not Your Buddy” that seeks to address some problems with close male/female “friendships.”  First I would like to say that I am in no way against friendships between men and women.  I believe they are healthy and beneficial.  However, I do have a problem with “friendships” that from the outside could be mistaken as dating, although no such discussion has been had on the inside.  There’s this new phenomenon called “hanging out” in which a guy can initiate all sorts of contact without running the risk of rejection or having to offer any sort of commitment … it’s that whole “having it all” thing.  In her article Suzanne Hadley writes, “Single men and women are failing each other. Uncommitted intimate friendships may satiate immediate needs, but they lead to frustration and heartache. Not to mention, for singles ready for marriage, these ‘friendships’ waste time and energy.”

 

My favorite line from Out of Africa comes near the end of that heated conversation.  Karen tells Denys, “I have learned a thing that you haven’t.  There are some things worth having, but they come at a price.  And I want to be one of them.”  Amen, sister friend.  I’m not saying that women should be considered as pretty pretty princesses sitting on pedestals having their every wish and whim catered to.  I’m saying that women do themselves a great disservice by persisting in relationships in which men do not honor them.   Women are worth the pursuit, but it seems as though neither sex believes it.

08.20.06

“You know, there are very few times in my life when I find myself sitting around thinking, ‘I wish I was married.’  But today … I mean … I … I’m happy.  You know?  I like my life.  I like my friends.  I like my stuff.  My time.  My space.  My TV.  But every now and then, just for a moment, I wish I had a partner.  Someone to pick up the slack, someone to wait for the cable guy, make me coffee in the morning …”

 - Lorelai to Luke in GG episode # 79, “The Incredible Shrinking Lorelais”

I suppose I have thought a lot about my future husband/marriage (notice I didn’t say wedding).  Never really in an “Oh, I can’t wait to be married” way, but more in an “I wonder what that will be like” way.  I was always counseled never to date someone I wouldn’t consider marrying, which of course raises the marriage potential question for every guy I’m attracted to.  College came, and I was suddenly surrounded by friends falling in love and getting married.  Then there’s that ever popular OBU phrase, “Ring by Spring.”  Honestly, it was all a little much, and I began to push aside most thoughts about my own future marriage.  I didn’t want to meet my husband at OBU … that was too typical for me. 

Well, I graduated, and a strange thing happened.  I began to think about marriage again.  It was odd; a desire I had previously pushed aside was suddenly reawakened.  I don’t want to give the wrong impression; it’s not like it’s all I thought about or anything, but it was there.  And it’s still there.  Occasionally I think about wanting to get married.

Even as I write those words, I almost feel embarrassed.  Because I don’t want to be that girl.  The girl who is waiting for her life to start.  The girl who is is incomplete in herself.  The girl who thinks her wedding day will be the best day of her life.  But you know what?  I am not that girl, and having a desire for marraige doesn’t make me her either.

Recently I was reminded of the particular Gilmore Girls episode referenced above.   Lorelai’s words could be mine.  “Every now and then, just for a moment, I wish I had a partner.”  I like that word, “partner.”  Partner in life.  Partner in ministry.  Partner in love.  I once received a wedding invitation with Ecclesiastes 4:12b printed at the bottom.  In context, it says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up.  But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!  Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.  But how can one keep warm alone?  Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.  A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

I think in a society in which independence, often to the point of isolation, is praised, it is important to reiterate the necessity and reality of interdependence and interconnectedness.  Granted, this is not limited to marriage, but what an amazing representation of it marriage can be.  Marriage is a good thing, and I will no longer be embarrassed to admit my desire for it.

So where does that leave me?  With a desire yet unfulfilled.  So what am I supposed to do now?  Three things come to mind: 1) I am to become the person God has created me to be.  2) I am to live my life now and live it abundantly.  3) I am to TRUST GOD.  Now that’s not too difficult, is it?  Haha.

I am so thankful for the wisdom God has given Derek Webb, along with the talent and artistry to express that wisdom through music.  Awhile back I did a Derek Webb lyric tribute on each post in the weeks leading up to his concert, but I never posted the lyrics to my favorite song of his, knowing that I would want to use them in this, my final post on relationships/singleness/dating/marriage.  So I leave you with them now, along with a scripture a college girl shared with me when I was in high school in regard to my dating relationships.  Both are extremely significant to me when it comes to this area of my life, and I pray that they speak to you as well.

Table for Two – Caedmon’s Call

 

Danny and I spent another late night over pancakes
We talked about soccer and how every man’s just the same
And made speculation on the who’s and the when’s of our futures
And how everyone’s lonely but still we just couldn’t complain

 

And how we just hate being alone
Could I have missed my only chance
And now I’m just wasting my time
By looking around

 

But you know I know better, I’m not gonna worry ’bout nothing
‘Cause if the birds and the flowers survive then I’ll make it okay
Given a chance and a rock see which one breaks a window
And see which one keeps me up all night and into the day

 

Because I’m so scared of being alone
That I forgot what house I live in
But it’s not my job to wait by the phone
For her to call

 

Well this day’s been crazy but everything’s happened on schedule
From the rain and the cold to the drink that I spilled on my shirt
‘Cause You knew how You’d save me before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day long before You made me out of dirt

 

And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can’t plan the ends and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
To get me to sleep

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”  Proverbs 3:5-6

07.15.06

I love summer Friday afternoons.  Getting off work at noon is fabulous.  I particularly enjoyed yesterday afternoon … no real plans other than sneaking in a last minute bid to win Fray tickets.  So I decided to visit one of my favorite places on campus: the UCO library.  While I enjoy reading and occasionally check out books, my UCO library visits are more often to check out movies for free, which was my intent yesterday afternoon.  I needed a mindless way to pass the time before the auction ended, and watching a movie seemed the perfect escape.  Now you may be wondering why I call the library one of my favorite places on campus.  Is it the vast amount of books waiting at my fingertips?  No.  Is it the random collection of CDs?  No.  Is it the decent selection of films new and old?  No.  My fascination with and love for the UCO library lies in its architecture. 

A four story building, the library has stairs that begin on the ground level and ascend straight up to the fourth floor with no turns or curves.  You can see the top of the stairs from the bottom, and the bottom from the top.  The first time I saw these stairs I thought, “I wanna get married in the UCO library.”  Think about it, girls … how cool would it be to stand at the top of the stairs in your wedding dress, looking down at all of your friends and family and most importantly your soon to be husband?  And guys … imagine seeing your soon to be wife for the first time, looking the most beautiful she has ever looked, slowly coming into focus as she descends the four story staircase.  It’s a beautiful picture.

Now I’m only half serious about getting married in the UCO library, but it is a fun thought every time I frequent it.  And the movies just happen to be on the fourth floor … a terrific reason to take the stairs. 

So yesterday I made the ascent and after a careful search, settled on an 80s John Hughes flick I have been wanting to see for some time.  I knew it was about time to watch “Some Kind of Wonderful” after Lorelai referenced it just before her first date with Luke saying, “Alright, but no taking me to an art museum after hours and then to an empty Hollywood Bowl where you’ll give me a pair of diamond earrings that you bought with your college money, when all the time you’re really in love with your best friend, the drummer, who’s posing as our driver for the evening.”  And let me just say … sad day that I had not seen this movie sooner!  Obviously I am a sucker for quotes, so I thought I’d share some of my faves from the film:

“You know, exposing your skin to sunlight will make you old before your time.  And eventually you’ll look like an albino raisin.”

“Well, I like art, I work in a gas station, my best friend is a tomboy. These things don’t fly too well in the American high school.”

And in my opinion one of the most fabulous last lines of a movie, “You look good wearing my future.”

Oh … and I won my auction!  Fray, here we come!

06.21.06

Not a whole lot to write about … I basically am posting just so I can say I’m currently listening to the new Guster album. 

Highlights for today:

1) Indian Taco Wednesday at Tim’s Drive In with all the HDs.  Hmm … time to get back with Body for Life.

2) ABC is thankfully airing Lost season 2 in order thus far this summer.  Two more episodes tonight.

3) Big Brother All Stars … is Jason coming back?  We’ll see.

Awhile back I started a series of posts chronicling my thoughts on singleness/relationships/marriage.  If you have no idea what I’m talking about (and nothing better to do with your time), you can read my previous posts here, here, here, here, and here.  I feel a conclusion to my ramblings coming soon. 

06.06.06

I seriously considered choosing a different edition of Anna Karenina as my “currently reading,” considering that this one so boldly proclaims “OPRAH’S BOOK CLUB.”  However, in all honesty this is the edition that I checked out from the Edmond Public Library, and I must say that nowhere on the cover of my book is Oprah even mentioned. 

In the spirit of honesty, I must admit that my motivations for reading Anna Karenina are anything but scholarly.  The first appeal is the name … Anna Karenininininininina … it’s fun to say.  The second, and by far the more significant appeal is the fact that it has been mentioned numerous times on Gilmore Girls.  Rory encourages Dean to read it because it’s one of her favorite books.   In her valedictorian speech, she talks about living in two worlds, one of books, in which she rode a sad train with Anna Karenina. 

Last summer I started Pride and Prejudice and after a hundred pages or so in, I still wasn’t into it.  I’ve heard that in the case of P&P, it might actually be better to watch the six hour Colin Firth miniseries first.  Who knows.  Anyway, this summer I have chosen Anna Karenina as my classic literature summer reading, and much unlike P&P, at 60 pages in, I am totally hooked. 

A novice reader, I have yet to read any Tolstoy.  I thought it would be difficult … a struggle to get through.  I haven’t found it so, but have rather been completely drawn in by his description of characters.  He writes people so well; you really think their thoughts and feel their emotions.  He puts words to your own thoughts that were never quite solidified.  And this all from 60 pages … I can’t imagine what I’ll think come page 817.

Anyway, I’m sure that my reading will spark a few Xanga entries.  In fact, I had intended this post simply to be a few thoughts on a particular quote, but I have obviously digressed.  Now back on track, here’s the quote, my thoughts, and a solicitation for your thoughts:

In describing one of the main characters, a man named Levin, Tolstoy writes, “He had heard that women often love unattractive, simple people, but he did not believe it, because he judged by himself, and he could only love beautiful, mysterious and special women.” 

Whoa … the honesty.  I think I might have said out loud, “That is so true!”  Now I’m making some sweeping generalizations, but it seems to me that women are much more likely to love men for who they are, sometimes in spite of their appearance, than men with women.  Think about it … how often do you see a very attractive woman with a not so attractive man?  It’s decently common.  But how often do you see an incredibly attractive man with an unattractive woman?  Hmm … I’ve maybe seen that twice in my life.  Some friends of mine have a game they play called “Who Wins?”  You look at a couple and try to figure out who is getting the better deal, totally based on appearance.  If the girl is more attractive, the guy wins, and if the guy is more attractive, the girl wins.  From what I hear, the guy almost always wins … and I believe it.

A few years ago, while going to pick up my brother from day care, my mom and I were listening to a radio broadcast of Chuck Swindoll speaking about marriage and relationships.  On a sidenote, he said that he had thought of entitling the sermon series “Peter, Paul and Marriage” which I thought was super clever.  Anyway, he mentioned what have been described as the differing needs of men and women, taken from the popular book “His Needs, Her Needs.”  I remember hearing the lists, and at the time, I was a little disturbed by the men’s side.  According to this book, the top five needs a man has within his marriage are:

1. Sexual Fulfillment
2. Recreational Companionship
3. An Attractive Spouse
4. Domestic Support
5. Admiration

Does this sound like a prostitute/buddy/nanny combo to anyone else?  From my perspective, I was like, “Where’s communication?  Where’s connectedness?  Where’s intimacy?”  I mean, I was floored that attractiveness was that high on the list of NEEDS, not wants, and who are we kidding … number three is pretty connected to number one.  Anyway, according to the book, the top five needs of a woman within her marriage are:

 

1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and Openness
4. Financial Support
5. Family Commitment

Does anyone else see a major imbalance between the two sets of needs?  Maybe I’m having a hard time getting out of my own female perspective, but it seems to me that according to these lists, any woman will due for a man if she is attractive enough and can cater to his interests.  However, a woman needs a man with a brain, capable of complex thought and emotion. 

 

So I guess my real question is, how capable are men of seeing beyond the surface?  I take that back … how capable are they of disregarding the surface?  Now I’m not talking about dating or marrying someone whose appearance you find revolting.  But as a woman, I can say that I have been physically attracted to guys after getting to know them who I may not have been physically attracted to from the start.  I am one of the women Levin had heard about who could love “unattractive, simple people,” at least according to the world’s perspective. 

 

I have no idea who will read this, but if you do, and you have any thought one way or the other, I would be extremely grateful to hear it. 

03.21.06

Butterflies … stomach flips … weak knees … intoxication … passion. 

There’s an Ally McBeal episode in which a woman seeks to annul her marriage for lack of passion.  She and her husband were a perfect fit; they had much in common and got along well as companions.  However, the man claimed he wasn’t a very sexual person and didn’t desire that aspect of marriage.  They both knew this going into the marriage and agreed that the companionship was enough.  Years later, he had an affair, and rather than seek a divorce, the woman wanted her marriage annulled, claiming that it had all been a fraud.

Now I’ve seen enough Ally McBeal episodes to know not to base any life changing decisions on its content.  However, I think this episode raises a good question.  How important are butterflies? 

Okay, so bear with me, but there’s another Ally McBeal episode in which Ally does some legal work for a very nice, but significantly overweight man.  The man is engaged to a woman he loves, but who also is overweight.  During the course of the legal assistance, the man develops feelings for Ally who is very attractive by the world’s standards (not to mention incredibly skinny … I mean, it’s Calista Flockhart).  He is prepared to leave his fiancé if only Ally could return the feelings he has for her.  He confides in Ally that he loves his fiancé, but isn’t physically attracted to her.  While Ally rebuffs his advances, she also encourages him to hold out for someone who will make his stomach flip.  Later, the fiancé pays Ally a visit after having her engagement called off.  The fiancé explains to Ally that men like her ex-fiancé don’t get the girls of their dreams … they don’t get butterflies.  He had been lucky to have a woman such as herself who loved him for who he was.  I think at the end of the episode, the two were back together, but that’s not really my point.  These two people loved each other, but they never got to have the “yucky love stuff” feelings.  Sad.

I’ve heard that it takes a year to really know someone.  I’ve heard that feelings of infatuation go away after about two years.  I know that passionate butterfly feelings will fade away, but to never have them to begin with to me is just heartbreaking. 

I read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” about a million years ago, and I vaguely remember Josh Harris talking about how after he got serious about God’s Lordship over his life, (including his dating life) he had a fear that God might want him to marry someone he wasn’t attracted to.  I think well-meaning churchgoing matchmakers contribute to this fear.  If a girl expresses an obvious commitment to the Lord and his will and work in her life, she obviously would be perfect for that dopey, but equally committed “good Christian guy.”  Do you have to play the martyr to have a relationship that honors the Lord?

Obviously not.  I can think of plenty of Christian couples who have godly marriages while at the same time maintain strong feelings of attraction for one another.  They choose to love and have feelings of love.  They’ve got the best of both worlds … the butterflies and the commitment.  However, I think in some cases “C” comes before “B.” 

So say you choose a relationship based on compatibility, on a desire for companionship.  Is all butterfly hope lost?  People used to have arranged marriages.  Did they really love each other?  Although I’ve never seen Fiddler on the Roof, I have heard the song, “Do You Love Me” several times (including when Kirk sang it in the elementary school musical on Gilmore Girls).  It’s sung by a couple in an arranged marriage, and the dialogue goes something like this:

Tevye:  Do you love me?
Golde:  I’m your wife!
Tevye:  I know. But do you love me?
Golde:  Do I love him?
For twenty-five years, I’ve lived with him,

Fought with him, starved with him.
For twenty-five years, my bed is his.
If that’s not love, what is?
Tevye:  Then you love me?
Golde:  I suppose I do.
Tevye:  And I suppose I love you, too.
Together:  It doesn’t change a thing, but even so,
After twenty-five years, it’s nice to know. 

It’s nice to think that there’s something better than butterflies, namely love that grows over time.  Awhile back I wrote about the “E-Harmony Age” conversation I had several months ago.  In that same conversation, one of the girls mentioned how her mentor encouraged her not to seek after the person she would be most infatuated with, but rather to seek after the person with whom she could best glorify the Lord.  I thought this rather wise.  Marriage should be a partnership that enhances our abilities to serve God.  It’s not there just so we won’t get lonely.  It wasn’t created simply as a means of meeting our needs.  Granted, God is a giver of good gifts such as companionship and intimacy, and I think he often gives even the blessing of butterflies.  However, let us seek the Giver, not the gift.

This was mainly meant to raise questions rather than offer answers … Xanga’s good for that.  More thoughts to come …

 

Obligatory Derek Webb:

 

Beloved these are perilous daysWhen your culture is so set in its waysThat you will listen to salesmen and thieves Preaching other than the truth you’ve receivedBecause they are telling liesFor they cannot circumcise your hearts Beloved listen to MeDon’t believe all that you seeAnd don’t you ever let anyone tell you

That there’s anything that you need

But Me

03.07.06

The new Caedmon’s Call CD came out today … I’m still waiting on my Grassroots preorder.

About a month ago, I got an odd voice mail from my mom promising me “big news.”  Intrigued, I called her back and came to find out that my uncle Greg was engaged … to a woman he met three weeks before.  When my uncle Jack broke the news to his daughter, he did so by asking, “Ericka, of all the people you know in the world, who is last person you would expect to get engaged?”  Without any hesitation she responded, “Uncle Greg?”

Less than two weeks after the big announcement, Greg was married.  Oddly enough, this didn’t get me thinking about whirlwind romances or races to the altar, but rather compatibility.  See, my uncle is pretty unconventional.  For example, he doesn’t have a phone (land line or cell) nor does he shave his beard or cut his hair.  Despite unconventional appearance, however, he is good hearted and passionate about his beliefs.  Now I haven’t met this woman, and I don’t think the whole quick marriage thing is particularly wise.  However, from everything I’ve heard about her, she seems to be a pretty good fit for Greg. 

Compatibility.  I won’t turn this into a forum to debate whether or not there are soul mates or if in fact there are a number of people with whom we could happily spend the rest of our lives.  I’m just wondering, does the old adage hold true … are there really plenty of fish in the sea?

In Greg’s case … probably not.  He may have found his one and only fish.  I don’t think it’s true for me, either.  I have had plenty of crushes in my day, but were any marriage worthy?  Maybe one … and he married someone else.  It’s kind of bizarre to imagine the person I will spend the rest of my life with.  It seems like the older I get and the more I learn and experience, my fishpond gets smaller and smaller. 

I always wondered what the song “Just Don’t Want Coffee” really meant.  It turns out that Derek Webb wrote it as a response to a short-lived relationship he had with an atheist.  He described her as very intellectual and analytical; they could talk for hours about nothing.  In one of his journals he wrote, “That whole thing scarred me though.  I so rarely find someone that I am so compatible with.  Relationships have always been few and far between with me.  The amazing thing is how faithful God has been to bring Himself glory through my weakness.  I wrote half the song ‘I Just Don’t Want Coffee’ while I was still in that relationship.  It wasn’t until the week after it was over that I was able to write the last verse.”

I don’t know, not that I’ve ever dated an atheist, but I can totally identify with his desire to be with someone who challenged and inspired him, someone he related to.  I can also identify with the feeling that there aren’t really that many out there that would meet those criteria. 

In tenth grade I came up with “the list.”  Any guy possessing my top ten I just knew was destined to be my “F.H.”  In ranked order, my desirable qualities were as follows:

1. Christian
2. Smart/Wise
3. Kind/Considerate/Sweet
4. Patient
5. Polite
6. Funny
7. Optimistic
8. Good looking
9. Ambitious
10. Athletic

Now you have to admit, that list is pretty mature for a sixteen year old and only mildly superficial.  I’ve known people who have way more specific characteristics than that … like “must love OU” or “must be a certain height.”  While my preferences have somewhat changed from these in the past seven years, my current preference list would be more extensive than that.  However, “preference” is the key word.  All preferences aside, I have a list of two non-negotiables … for those you’ll have to ask me face to face.

But back to the preference thing, a while back I ate dinner with a wise friend and the topic of dating came up.  After discussing a couple guys, Stacey told me I could be writing off diamonds in the rough, to which I responded, “But I don’t want the rough!”  I’m coming to learn that my preferences can be extremely unrealistic.  I often make snap judgments based on one out of place comment, some insignificant physical attribute or in some cases, mismatched musical preferences.  I want a finished product, forgetting that I am not finished.  God is continually molding and forming me to the image of Christ, and whomever I ultimately choose is also currently in that process.  It’s time to have a little grace, a little vision.

So I enjoyed writing this.  I think I’m a better writer than talker … I know what I really think after I’ve written something.  If you made it all the way through this post … kudos to you.  I doubt there are many … especially now that Stacey’s on myspace. 

02.07.06

What’s your E-Harmony age?

Over Christmas break, I joined in a discussion with a couple of friends on this very topic.  One friend said 30, while the other though that was way too late.  She wanted time to really get to know her future mate before they married with a few “cushion years” before they had kids.  It reminded me of that Friends episode where Rachel turns 30.  According to her calculations, in order to get everything she wanted out of life (which included a husband and children), she would have to meet her future husband by the time she was 30.  Unfortunately for her, this meant ending a going nowhere relationship with her much younger, and to borrow a Seinfeld term, mimbo boyfriend.

What do you think is the ideal age to get married?  Obviously, different things work for different people, but generally speaking, is it better to marry young or marry old?

When it comes to marrying young (and by young I mean early 20s) one advantage I see is the opportunity to have common formative experiences.  You go through life together, being shaped and molded in similar ways much of the time.  You learn together … figure things out together.  That must bond a couple together tremendously.  Another thing to consider is the opportunity to be together at the peak of one’s physical attractiveness.  Although I certainly plan to look better in my 30s than my 20s, it’s kind of sad to think about missing out on some of those years.  Maybe that sounds superficial, but I can’t help but think that Solomon might have been thinking at least partially on physical lines when he wrote “may you rejoice in the wife of your youth” in Proverbs 5:18, especially considering the following verse.  And it goes beyond physicality; people who marry younger have more years to spend with their spouse … thoughts to consider. 

On the negative side, many lack the maturity and selflessness essential to marriage (although I’m not sure this is necessarily an age issue).  I’m not really up on marriage statistics, but I would venture to guess that several marriages entered into by young individuals end in divorce.  Speaking from a Christian perspective, I think many young women get caught up in the planning of a wedding, while many young men get caught up in sexual impatience.  Both enter into a marriage with skewed views of what marriage is really like.  Now I’m not married, and I’m not pretending to be an expert in any of what I’m writing about.  I am blessed, however, to have been around and learned from several successful couples of all ages full of advice and life experiences to share. 

So what are the advantages to marrying later in life?  Obviously, there’s the whole maturity thing (hopefully age brings a little more maturity).  I am thankful for my years as a single person; I feel like I’ve had the freedom to become who I want to be … who I’m supposed to be, without basing decisions on someone else.  There’s an absent worldly security in singleness that has served to draw me closer to the Lord.  There are also the practical considerations such as the opportunity to get a good education, undistracted by the demands of marriage.  For the most part, older individuals are more financially stable than their younger counterparts.  Education and money: both good things to bring to a marriage, but not everything.

I heard a preacher say recently that as a trend, people are getting married later in life, with less success and more reservations.  I think sexual promiscuity has a lot to do with that.  People “play marriage” partaking in all of the blessings of intimacy without a real commitment.  I’ll avoid the “cow” and “milk” cliché, but it’s really no wonder why so many men are perfectly content to go years and years in a noncommittal relationship with no intentions of marriage.  I read an article recently arguing that the anticipation of sexual fulfillment is a very strong driving force toward marriage for young men committed to sexual purity.  Which makes sense to me … I mean, marriage is a good thing.  It doesn’t surprise me that God would create human beings in such a way that would drive them toward that union. 

Hmm … two contemplative posts in a row.  I usually try to alternate between deep and fluff.  Here, I’ll leave you with a little fluff:

Did anyone else watch Oprah yesterday?  My cousin told me to watch because it was Tony Parker and Eva Longoria’s first interview together.  He’s a man of few words, that Tony … or at least English ones.

01.18.06

Livin’ alone ain’t so bad

I ain’t blue, baby, I’m not sad

I’ve got everything I need here at home

I got spaghetti on the stove and my favorite blue jeans on

 

A few months ago, a friend asked me if I liked living by myself.  She was contemplating getting an apartment of her own after living with roommates for the past two years.  I hadn’t really weighed the positives and negatives of single living, but after being asked, I realized I really did like living alone … and for several reasons:

1)      I can keep my apartment in whatever state of cleanliness I desire.  If I leave dishes in the sink for more than a week, the only person I irritate is myself.

2)      I never have to wait to use the bathroom … there are no bathroom battles.  A married friend of mine used to live in an apartment with only one bathroom.  When he and his wife moved into an apartment with two, their relationship significantly improved.

3)      I have autonomous use of the remote control.

4)      I have a lot of freedom in the use of my time.  I can be spontaneous.  I can make last minute plans with a friend without having to consider another’s schedule.

5)      I can hit snooze as many times as I like without worrying about driving someone crazy.  ***Sidenote***  In high school, I fell victim to the lie of “power naps.”  I once spent an entire night waking up in 30 minute increments, resetting my alarm each time, promising myself that in another 30 minutes I would get up and finish my homework.

6)      My entire apartment is my inner room (Matthew 6:6).  I can have my quiet time on my bed, on my couch, on my living room floor or in my extremely comfortable chair and a half.  I can meet with the Lord early in the morning or late into the night, usually with no interruptions.  When I last had a roommate, I would literally have to go into my closet to have my quiet time.

 

In all reality, most of the benefits and freedoms of singleness/living alone, save maybe the spiritual solitude of my apartment, really only afford me the opportunity to be undisciplined and selfish.  The true benefit of singleness is the freedom to serve.  Paul said it best … “An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit.  But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world – how she can please her husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:34.  It’s about time I was more concerned with my own devotion to the Lord than my own comfort.

 

More thoughts to come …  The afore-quoted lyrics, by the way, are from a song by Zane Williams.  He’s definitely worth checking out … www.zanesadventure.com.